Starring:

Jay!	Mark!	Chris!
Keith!	Matt!	Dan!

Well looky who it is, it's Mr. Dan!

Was it, ah, "Jeeesus Fucking Christ"?

No, it was fucking good. It was a lot better than I thought it would be.

Ah...

Oh, I liked it.

I dunno...

That white guy wasn't nearly as lame as I thought he'd be, 'cause from the ad...

All that Wyatt Earp shit was kinda lame.

Well, there wasn't a lot of it.

Well, still, though.

Yeah.

Could that have been any of a happier ending?

Yeah, I know.

When he fell from that fucking... Oh, I was just like, "Jackie, you're a fucking madman!"

That spear, you could totally tell that the end was rubber, 'cause one part when the bad guy had it and it rubbed up against the stone and it bent, 'cause you know obviously they couldn't be-

You mean that bendy sword?

-putting this, you know, spear in Jackie's face, and him being dodging. It was rubber, you can just...

Man, in those out-takes, Jackie's got quite the old potty mouth on him.

Yeah, I know. That guy's the old bastard.

But fuck, all in all pretty good but the ending...

Yeah, but I mean, what did you expect though?

The only good part really, I don't know...

Jackie'll put his name on anything.

I don't even know why he was fighting that other japanese guy and then they go, "Oh, save the Princess".

Yeah, I know...

And also...

Deal with the situation at hand, and then deal with your petty squabbles.

And also, the two bad guys in that, at the end you're like, "Who the hell are these assholes? Are those guys even in this movie?"

And they should have shot that dick who, uh, fucked them up at the beginning and shot the emperor guy.

Shoulda just... hmm...

You know what I think woulda been cool? When the guy was going up and the bell was going down, it coulda met in the middle, just, "Bam!", just crushed him.

Yeah, but the bell still woulda fell.

Yeah, but he woulda, he woulda gone into it...

Now remember boys, if you get in trouble...

You think it woulda busted his ear drums.

...go find some indian chick and fuck her, and every indian around will help you out for weeks.

Actually, I think the exact opposite of that happens. You fuck an indian chick they have to kick your ass.

"At least he wasn't a white man!"

And you can tell that Jackie totally loved that movie, you know him being the cowboy, you know, always like the cowboy shit...

And man that was kinda cool how you've got the cowboys, the indians, the chinese guys. All... representing.

They totally needed to do more with that chick with the tits, though. Oh, god! It was like, "Oh yeah, here it comes, baby."

What, the slut?

Fuck, she had tits pouring out all over the place, I was like, "Oh... those are coming out."

There's probably been definite better Jackie Chan movies, but...

Yeah... 'cause I dunno, I did think it was gonna suck, so that's probably why I liked it more, 'cause I didn't expect it to be good.

It wasn't very good.

That's the thing, though, I dunno, just... cheesy story worked for me, for some reason.

Until the end. I was with it fine until the very end.

"Roy the invincible! I can't be touched!"

Yeah that, that was dumb.

Yeah, I know, but- And also...

And like everyone turns out perfect.

What the f-

{change of venue -- inside Matt's car}

Ow, fuck!!

Oh, that hurt!

What the fuck happened?

I tried to close the door; too much fat, that's our problem!

Man, we're packed in like sardines here!

That hurt, man!

Hey, who's touching me?

I am!

Ah, alright!

{later in car}

Man, at fucking Shanghai Noon, gives him those chopsticks, puts 'em back in his mouth, starts diggin' with them.

Man, I wonder if that's even possible, like, that you could dig... (explaining to Dan) He was like buried up to his neck and he dug his way out with two chopsticks...

You know what the problem is, when you stuck your head in you hit a rock the toothpick would go right into your mouth.

No man, he'd get dehydrated, like, he'd die before he could-

The best thing with chopsticks is to get them in your nose and fucking shove your head in the ground and kill yourself.

Probably, actually, you're right!

A bloody end, for that man...

For Roy.

Yeah, Roy.

No, you know what he should have done, he should have gave him a spoon, so then he could start going to work.

They should have called it, "The End... for Roy..."

And I also didn't approve of the Kid Rock song.

Yeah.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

But it was, you know, "Cowboy".

"I'm a cowboy, baby..."

At least it wasn't country.

Yeah, that woulda fucking sucked hardcore.

Man, too much pie, that's our problem, boys. We are packed back here.

You know what sucks hardcore? Man, look at this! Man, this isn't safe!

Ow, my ass!

Oh, this is so safe.

Whee!

(Matt hits the breaks really fast)

{Change of venue -- In Wendy's}

Oh, don't eat that!

We need a McDonald's Playland sorta deal...

Don't eat what?

They always fucking kick you outta playland, though...

Where the hell is Playland?

Fuck those guys.

{End}

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