Starring:

Lars!

Dan!

Chris!

Keith!

So, what did you think? It was certainly long.

Man, I've gotta piss like a chinese racehorse...

I know for a fact that whenever there was a cannonball scene half of the audience wanted to kill me.

Yeah well all I heard is laughing when those guys got their leg blown right off...

And the guy gets the head taken off... that was nice.

So, Keith was falling asleep.

Nah, I was just getting comfortable.

You were more than comfortable, fucking like... arghjdg...

I was conscious, though, through the whole thing.

Ah, I was just about to say, you were getting comfortably unconscious. It wasn't, I would have to say, it wasn't too too bad...

But I wouldn't want to watch it twice.

No, because it's fucking long.

Yeah, that's the only real thing, if it was a lot shorter it would be a lot better.

That first part when he's just wasting the Brits and jumping around–

That was the best fucking part of the movie. If the whole movie was him, fucking...

Those twenty guys that they took out, that ruled.

Him running around fucking killing everybody woulda kicked ass, total action movie–

Psycho blood! Just yaah!

–set back in the 1700's. Blaah! Mel Gibson goes insane!

Something we gotta say about the 1700's, though: The way they fought their wars was fucking dumb. What did they do, draw straws to see who was gonna be in the front line? That would fucking suck, man!

Man, I'd always have like a fatty right behind me, like... actually, in front of me.

When they were getting ready to shoot I'd fucking dive to the ground or something, you don't just stand there and get fucking shot!

When you hear the word "Fire!" everybody fall down and pretend you're dead!

I kept telling Lars this: Gabriel picked the wrong woman, she had no fucking tits.

That's the thing man, fuck! Gabriel was cuter than her! What the fuck was that all about?

She burned up nice, though...

The best, the best was when she was crying in the church...

"I've wasted my life!"

...it so looked like she was laughing her ass off, I'm like...

"We're all going to die! Ha ha ha!"

...look, she's laughing, she's laughing! And the music; where was it that I heard the Ewok music?

When they're in the black village.

They're in the black village, total Ewok music, and then like, the major fight at the end: DaDaDa! Da! Da! Da! Da! Da!

Okay, the entire movie was a big fucking Star Wars fucking, you can take Star Wars, because at the very beginning–

Gabriel's all whiny.

Yeah, he's all whiny, he's like, "Why can't I– I wanna go to Mos Eisley and get some power converters..." It was totally that! And then, the fucking Ewok village scene, absolutely, everybody fucking necking, getting busy and shit. Then, at the fucking end, Darth Maul versus Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon...

{A little later}

Okay boys, I'm fucking amazed. I saw a Mel Gibson movie... and I didn't see his ass once! Yes!

That's true...

Dan was pretty disappointed.

Yeah.

Personal best for old Mel.

But anyway, they have the British like, "No, we can't be killing women and children, we've gotta be all nice and gentlemen", and then you've got these fuckers on the other side–

That guy, that guy was a magnificent bastard, that evil British guy. What a fucking evil bastard.

Just, "Burn the house; all slaves become soldiers; shoot the wounded." I'm like fuck!

I know! I mean, he knows what the fucking score is.

{A little later still}

I would have been a lot better if they'd shown Mel's ex-wife's sister's tits, number one.

Yeah, she was totally all pouring out in that one.

Number two: Mel, Mel totally running around psychotic killing redcoats right left and sideways, and tons of people getting limbs removed from the cannons!

What was up with the chair subplot? I thought it was patently unnesessary! That coulda cut ten minutes off that movie easy!

Man, that Mel likes his chairs.

And why the fuck didn't his daughter talk? He beat her too much when she was a kid or something?
"You shaking your head? You think it's funny I broke my fucking rocking chair? Fuck you, you little bitch! I'm coming outta the booth!"

{In reference to the fact that the movie begins in 1776...}

Taurus! Born in 1775.

I'm like 300 and something, but I'm still alive.

I used to hang with the original Billy the Kid. You might think I'm only playing but...

I did.

{End}

[ back to It's A Movie So Watch It ]