I was sitting around one night without an internet connection, scouring through the closed system of my laptop, trying to find something to entertain me. Deep in a forgotten subdirectory I found a cache of old porn stories I'd downloaded last year. Great! That was just the thing I needed.

I picked one at random, and after the first couple paragraphs I knew there would be no jerking off for me. My urge to mock the story was at least two or three times stronger than my urge to pull out my dick, and I thought that was pretty amazing. There's a lot of bad porn on the net, but this story had a special kind of crazy that doesn't come along every day. So congratulations, Mr. Anonymous Author. You never managed to get me to ejaculate fiercely into the air, but you did enrich my evening with your gentle benevolence. Kudos to you!

They say the hardest thing to know is oneself, but I think this guy's got himself nailed.

I did everything I could to get close to Stephanie. I went to autograph signings. I went to wrestling events. I even went as far as writing letters to her official fan club.

Holy shit. That's far.

It was no use. All I wanted to do was shake her hand. So at an autograph signing several months ago, I shook her hand.

The End.

But I couldn't say a word. So I went home with a new goal. I wanted to talk to her. At the next autograph signing I said "hi there".

The End.

She smiled real fake like and said "uh hi" before quickly scribbling 4 letters of her name and moving to the next autograph.

"Step"?

Then all I wanted to do was smell her as she passed by. So I paid a few hundred dollars for a ring side seat to a show, but she never even came out.

Dude, you're in an arena filled with drunken sweaty rednecks. You're not gonna smell her no matter how close your seat is. In fact, you could have smelled her better at the autograph signing. Don't make me second guess your plan. It makes it much harder to masturbate.

So I saved up more money, bought another ticket to a show, drove across 3 states, but when she came out during the show, she chose to go on the other side of the ring, not even by me. ARRRRRGGH! That's okay.

Well, he dealt with that pretty well. I think this is moving in a healthy direction.

So I bought another ticket to the next week's show and she came out to the ring. She ran to the ring and took a bump. My pulse quickened. Should I jump the rail and just sniff her really quick?

Yes.

NO!

YES!

I can't afford fines or a lawsuit.

This is no time to start applying logic to your life!

Damn it! I have to do something.... I started to sweat as she staggered to her feet. She made her way out of the ring, then turned and headed my way. OMG! Should I lean over and try to touch her? Should I go for her tits? Her ass? Her legs?

Whoah whoah WHOAH. I thought you just wanted to shake this bitch's hand? Pace yourself!

I am freaking out at this point as she approaches my way. Closer. Closer. Closer. I freeze. She is right in front of me, her back facing me.

People's backs are always facing me.

I can't fucking move!!! My rusty joints begin to move and I stick my arm out and pat her on the back as she goes up the ramp.

Good job, robocop.

Oh her skin was so warm through her shirt. I immediately pull my fingers to my nose and inhale.

Even at a wrestling show, the people around you are gonna think that's weird.

AHHHH! A light mix of girl and body lotion. Maybe strawberries even.

Man, strawberries would be awesome.

I watched her walk up the ramp and disappear into the curtain. I had to have more.

I just had to get her to sneeze on my face. WHY COULDN'T SHE JUST DO THAT? ARRGH!!

I spent more money. I bought house show tickets, paid for fan autograph signings, I did it all. I had to move out of my mansion,

What?

quit my job, and move into a shitty roach motel.

Hold on. Where the fuck did you get a mansion? Why did you have to save up for all those tickets earlier? They're not that expensive, surely a man of your means could afford them. And you said you couldn't afford a fine. What is your job? Were you a chimney sweep who inherited a mansion but no actual money from your rich, estranged uncle? Tell us these things!

I was living on unemployment that was due to expire in 2 days. I met Stephanie and saw her up close and in person maybe 100 times at least.

How many years did that take?

I would utter words, catch a second or two of eye contact, maybe brush her shoulder a few times when she was ring side. She didn't appreciate me.

Appreciate what? How you squandered your entire fortune for one smell of "girl w/ body lotion", which may or may not have been strawberry?

She didn't appreciate every fucking thing that I put into trying to meet her.

You barely talked to her, you crazy bastard!

I was just another fan who wanted to get to know her. Fuck that! I wasn't even a fan, just a guy who wanted to fuck a celebrity.

You had a mansion. I just can't get over that. With the resources available to a man who could sell his mansion and spend every penny on the pursuit of a b-level celebrity, I can't figure out why no celebrity-nabbing ninjas were deployed.

The least she could do is meet me face to face.

Wait, wait. Let me run those last two phrases again:

I wasn't even a fan, just a guy who wanted to fuck a celebrity. The least she could do is meet me face to face.

Yeah, that's what I thought he said.

Well I had a plan.

I met "Joe" who worked at many autograph signings and events.

Name in quotation marks to protect Pete. I mean, "Joe". Fuck!

Hell I had became good friends with him.

Well shit, he's a pretty likeable guy.

In fact, he was the only friend I had left.

Joe had a hard time telling people to fuck off.

One day, he took me to a ball game and I talked him into getting me backstage to meet the boys.

Good old Joe.

Well that wasn't gonna happen,

FUCK JOE!!

but he did help me out alot. A few days later, he took me to a house show several hours before anyone arrived. I got to look around at the lights, the pyro, and the ring. He took me on a tour backstage to different empty dressing rooms. He showed me all of the stars, ending with Stephanie's big dressing room.

Look, everybody knows wrestlers don't have dressing rooms. That shit's just for tv. They all get changed together like cattle. And don't tell me cattle don't change into clothes together. Because they've been known to.

I begged him to let me in to see the "size" of the inside of it. He took me in, and I snooped. His cell phone rang and he went outside to take the call.

You stupid fuck, you don't start snooping until after the guy leaves.

I worked quickly, going through the near empty room. There was a notebook that read "necessities". I opened it and it said "send the following to Stephanie's private hotel room at..." Oh shit! It listed the hotel and room number! I wrote it on my hand with the pen in the book and sprinted out to my car.

I can really see him sprinting here. I've got this perfect visual image of it.

Yeah! Now I get to meet Stephanie in person all alone! No one to push me along! No one to tell me "NEXT"! No one else except the bitch and me. OOOPS! Did I say that? I swear I am a fan.

You already said that you weren't.

I just wanna meet her in person and feel her.... I mean talk to her.

Don't try to fool us, Mr. Psychotic Imbalance. This jig is up.

Oh man. My mind is a blur. I don't know what to do. All I know is that her hotel must be really close to the building, so I continue to drive.

I thought you had an address? Maybe you should use it, dipshit.

I did it. There I was. My face was inches away from Stephanie's room number.

Which I had written on my hand.

All I had to do was knock. This is crazy, I can't knock. She will think I am a psycho or something "HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH AHAAHAHAHAAHAAAAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

That laughter is in quotation marks. Does that mean he actually laughed loudly while standing in the hallway outside her room? She's not gonna answer the door now! She probably already called security! Jesus, even in this guy's rape fantasies he's nervous and ineffective. I dare say, he could use the empowerment that only comes from awkwardly sexually assaulting a celebrity after she's caused you to lose your entire family fortune on wrestling tickets.

Oh nonsense. She will be flattered that I spent my life savings trying to meet her.

Trying... AND FAILING.

That I threw away my connections, a good paying job, and a LIFE trying to smell her perfume.

JESUS. FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? It's not like he's accidentally letting us in on how much he sucks by writing a subconsciously pathetic story. He's spelling it out! Even his fictional self-insertion avatar is a stupid idiot! Fuck!

That I did a 180 by moving into a shitty motel with no hot water and a shitty mother fucking bed full of MOTHER FUCKING NASTY ASS ROACHES THAT CRAWL ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOTHER FUCKING NIGHT THAT...... ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!! DAMN FUCKING RICH BITCH WHORE SLUT CUNT!!!!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!.....

I'm sure that he was stabbing himself in the kneecap with a jacknife while writing that. Man, any time I think I've got some repressed hostility, I'll just have to think of this guy. And attempt to emulate him in every way, because I am so into this. I can't wait until he shows Stephanie what's what. She took his job, man, and his fucking hot water, too.

All I have to do is knock. She will be glad to see me. To hear me. To feel me. To love me. To fuck me. I knocked. "boom-boom-ba-boom-boom... BOOM BOOM!"

Suddenly the hotel was filled with jamaican rhythms. All pain and anger flowed from the poor man, and he went outside to eat some jerk chicken.

No turning back now.

Or no, I guess he didn't.

The door opened, and out came the god of fuck.

Hey, who says date rape isn't kind?

She came to the door dressed in a short, white silk robe. Hair damp, bare feet, a look of annoying bitchiness on her face.

I just wanted to rub her feet. That's all I wanted. To rub her bitch whore feet.

"Are you room service? I called you 3 fucking minutes ago and you are just now...."

"No um I am a fan that.." my voice was weak.

Jesus fucking christ... IT'S FICTION. GROW A FUCKING DICK. YOU CAN PRETEND. WE WON'T KNOW.

"What? A fucking fan? FUCK OFF!"

The door was slammed, stopped only by my muscular pumped up arm.

NO. FUCK YOU. You sold that arm to buy a Stephanie cardboard cut-out, which the bitch never even came to your house to thank you for buying, even though she couldn't find your house because you had to sell it to go live in a dumpster.

She must have been in the shower recently since her hair was wet and the flimsy material clung to her plump body, her hair spraying water as she moved.

I observed this with my cyborg eyes, which I have suddenly remembered that I had.

I felt a sudden growth in my pants,

which could have been any number of things, since I have seven dicks and numerous sentient, cancerous lesions,

as I looked her lovely body over. "Get the fuck outta here before I..." I went deaf.

Because I stabbed a pencil into my ear because I'M NOT CRAZY.

Her mouth kept moving and she kept slamming the door trying to shut it, but I didn't move at all.

Blood and gore sprayed everywhere. I would have laughed, but I had gone mute.

I went to never-never land. I don't do drugs, but I was definately high. I had snapped.

Man, nobody knows how to spell "definite". Not even psychotic internet-rapists. That gets me down.

I smiled, tugging

playfully

on my zipper and pulling it down. I lunged forward, running into her.

"Whoops. Tactical error, there. Having trouble controlling my own body, since I sold my Medulla Oblongata for a license plate that says 'RETARD1'".

She screamed in shock. I kicked the door shut behind myself and carried the frightened young woman (older than me still) away from the main door. I found her bedroom, and threw her to the bed. She hit her head against the headboard and fell to her pillow.

What a weirdly hard yet soft sentence. Probably like this guy's penis while he desperately tried to keep it up while writing.

While she was weak, I ripped the belt from her robe. I tied one end of the silky material to her left wrist, fastening it to the post on the headboard. Stephanie whimpered a bit. I had to move fast. I wrapped the belt around her neck and then tied her right wrist to the other post.

Luckily, the belt was 30 feet long. Like my penis.

Fuck this bitch. She is not human. She doesn't have a name any more. She doesn't deserve one. I will refer to her now as ...THE GIRL.

Stop the presses! We have a winner! That's the greatest series of words I've ever read. I want that put on my tombstone. Not that it'll make any sense, but it doesn't make any sense here either, so what the hell. Unless it's supposed to symbolize his hatred of women. I don't know, I'll have to read it again in a few years. I get the vague sense that it's going over my head.

THE GIRL, realizing what was going on, screamed and tried to wiggle loose.

Imagine how weird it would be if she didn't realize what was going on.

It was no good. The more she wiggled, the tighter the silk wrapped around her fragile neck. Also, the wiggling freed her body from the robe. Her young, succulent tits stared up at me.

JESUS!! That scared the fucking shit out of me. It's like her tits have eyes.

Her dark, erect nipples look as lickable as ice cream on her newly enhanced D tits. I pushed her legs apart and knelt between them.

Her hairless pussy stared up at me.

FUCK!! STOP DOING THAT! What is this, fucking Creepshow? Shit!!

It looked so soft and smooth, like she had recently shaved it. I was so excited! Cum glistened around her tiny hole. "I knew you wanted this Slut," I told the girl.

She doesn't have a name anymore. No need for that capital "S", there, tiger.

She screamed and tried to kick me. Her raw energy excited me even more. I pulled my jeans down past my ass

Just "down" would be fine.

and then pulled my dick from the pocket in my boxers.

Whoah, wait, I'm confused. I think he better draw me a diagram or something. His boxers have a pocket and his dick was in it?

The little slut's eyes grew wide when she saw how long and thick my dick was!

Which eyes are we talking about? The ones in her head, or the ones in her tits, or the cluster staring up out of her vagina?

I brought my dick to her mouth. She clenched her teeth. I yanked on the silk belt and she began to choke. Once her mouth was opened, I crammed my dick into it. The girl began to cough and choke more.

I think he switched to "the girl" so he could re-use this scene in every chapter. He'll start by fixating on a celebrity, sell his yacht or his oil fields, and then tie them up in a hotel after they've stopped having a name. He could do this indefinitely. It's brilliant!

I laughed as I forced my dick further down her throat. I began to pump wildly! "Take it all bitch! You ruined my fucking life slut!" I yelled at her.

In the film adaptation, this is gonna be like the "riding the bomb" scene in Dr. Strangelove.

My dick grew larger from the excitement. The crude instrument stretched her small mouth. It was a wonderful sight.

Now, I gotta admit, that's some poetry.

The girl's face was turning the same shade of red as my throbbing dick.

Yeesh. Poetry's over.

I thrust my hips, burying my entire dick down her throat. I could feel my

titanium

balls bang against her chin. My hands wrapped tightly around the silk belt. I was getting close to blowing my load. I pumped faster.

I pulled out of the young lady's mouth

(older than me still)

right before I came. She gasped as she had a chance to breathe. I tugged on the belt again, causing her face to turn a deep purple.

Fuck you! That's disgusting! That's a judgment call, but I'm making it. Christ!

My cum shot all over her mouth, face, and tits. She squirmed under me, trying to break free. "Quit moving whore!" I exclaimed.

With an exclamation point for additional exclamatory emphasis!

Her innocent eyes stared up at me, pleading me, begging me not to hurt her anymore.

Innocent!? SHE RUINED YOUR WHOLE LIFE!!

I just laughed! I reached over and cupped her right tit in my hand. I was amazed at how large her nipple was. It just laid there flat. I pinched the skin forcefully. She screamed in agony. After a few more pinches her nipple became stiff. I brought it to my mouth. I began to softly lick the raw nipple.

Is her face still the color of a squid? I lost track.

Her skin tasted so sweet. My vacant hand traveled to her small cunt. I think she actually spread her legs further for me! My fingers slid over her bald skin until they found her clit. I pinched it and bit her nipple simultaneously. The girl's body quivered. I think she was starting to get into it. She was writhing on the bed.

I assume there's no need for me to bring up the porn-fiction convention of the raped girl beginning to enjoy her ordeal. Because we all know that's real.

I rolled my tongue over her bald mound and pushed the delicate lips apart. Like a greedy child, I sucked on her clit. She twitched and moaned in delight. I slid my tongue deep inside her small pussy. She tasted sweeter than honey! The little slut rocked her hips forward and back as I fucked her with my tongue.

I can't even remember who he's supposed to be fucking anymore. I guess it doesn't really matter. If this doesn't end with a horrifying death (for either one of them, I'm easy to please), or she fucking him in the ass with a strap on and the two living happily ever after, I'm gonna be disappointed.

The more I tasted the more I wanted. My tongue darted in and out of her pussy like a snake's tongue. I tasted the bitter flavor of blood and realized I was starting to tear her hymen. I eased up some. I couldn't believe I found a virgin in Stephanie MC... THE GIRL!!

Oh man! Even the snake-tongued hard-as-fuck devirginizer is starting to break! He's beginning to recognize her as a person again! Say it ain't so, crazy guy! Regain some face! Shit in her mouth or something!

The girl was enjoying herself far too much, I thought.

There you go! I was thinking that myself!

It looked like she might even orgasm soon. I withdrew my tongue from her sweet love hole and stared at her. Her naked body stared back up at me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHFFFUUUUUCKKK!!!!!!!!!!! EYES EVERYWHERE!

I grinned evilly at her, initiating fear into her once more. She knew who was in control! I lunged forward, my body crushing hers.

The End.

With my left hand, I tugged on the silk belt.

That silk belt is some versatile, 3M shit. I gotta get me one of them, for crime fightin'.

My right helped balance my body on top of hers. Gagging noises filled the air. The slut's face turned blue, the a deep purple. I was real hot.

Someone help this man. Deep Purple is supposed to bring back good memories of grooving out, not strangulating women in internet fantasies. That's almost never what Deep Purple was about.

Her screams turned to whispers. My dick was growing from excitement again. Soon I would be able to fuck that tight hole.

Beads of sweat rolled off her forehead. Once again, the slut was struggling under my body weight. Hoarse shrikes filled the room.

"Hoarse shrikes." I like it. I should put that on a t-shirt.

I was ready, and could tell my horny little whore was too.

YOU'RE STRANGLING HER TO DEATH. SHE'S NOT A WHORE. IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.

I let go of the silk and shifted my weight on both arms. She immediately gasped for air. In a quick thrust I rammed my throbbing dick into her. She screamed in pain as her hymen ripped.

"C'mon baby!" I exclaimed wildly. "Be a good lil' slut and take all of me!" I drove my dick further into her tight hole, pouncing my balls up against her tight ass.

At first I thought he meant to write "bouncing", but it must be "pounding". Either way, I'm starting to think this guy's not a great writer. Pretty good, but not great.

Her body thrashed under me as she tried to free herself. "It's no use bitch, you can't get rid of me."

Do you remember how we got to this point? No? Good.

The more she fought, the easier it was for me to penetrate her. I reached between our bodies and started rubbing her clit as I fucked her. "There, now that's not so bad is it?" I asked her.

I'm pretty sure it's still bad. No, wait, no... yeah.

"If you relax, you'll enjoy this more." I pumped my dick in the girl with ease now. I pinched her clit as I picked up the pace. She was resisting me less now. She was even beginning to meet my thrusts. This hot little bitch was starting to fuck me back!

See Exhibit A) : Crazy Bullshit.

I was getting closer and closer to cumming, so I didn't care if she was starting to get off anymore.

Finally, learning to put himself before others.

I could feel the cum building up in my balls.

You know, cum doesn't really... "build up in your balls."

I knew it wouldn't be much longer.

Soon, the police would arrive and mercifully shoot my penis off.

I pulled out and flipped her on her stomach.

At this point, the logistics of the silk belt became insane.

She was limp now. Her big fat ass up in the air. I needed it. I massaged her big butt cheeks and spread them open. I just stared at her puckered little butt hole. A few flaws in tiny hairs sticking out of her anal ring.

Please, leave Stephanie her dignity! Oh, right... the rape.

I like flaws.

But you have so few!

Makes me want to fuck the flaws away.

I could write a book about this guy. It would be called "Crazy McFuckedBrain's Anal Ring Imperfection Reperfectionizing System (Through Fucking)".

I bent down and stuck my nose to her pussy. SNIFF SNIFF.

Spell it out for me, partner. I'm lost.

MMMM not too bad of a smell. Then I put my nose to her butt hole. SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF.... MMMMMMMM AHH! Kinda stinky.

I'm imagining him saying that in a Chris Farley "I'm a bad widdle boy" voice. Putting a finger to his mouth and looking mischieviously innocent while saying, "Tee hee! Kinda stinky!"

Needs to be cleaned. I spit and licked all over her butt hole, tonguing her rectum thoroughly. Her protests and whimpers sounded lke YES YES YES to me, so I continued.

Well... fair enough.

I got it nice and wet, then straddled her wide fat butt. I tensed up in anticipation. Before I knew it, I had my cock head up her butt. She protested, crying YES YES and I started to thrust in and out unitl I had all 8 inches of thick meat up her ass hole.

My hyper-sensitive 3rd testicle gauged her horniness levels versus her desire to destroy me at any cost, and I feared that things were not going well.

I laid on her, kissing her face from behind,

Jesus, teach me that one sometime.

hugging her as I pumped my hips driving my thick cock up Stephanies pink butt hole.

Haha! You said her name!

With in a few minutes, I was about to blow my load. I shot cum right up her ass hole.

No way, right up it? Golly gee!

I laid on top of her wth my dick in her butt still. Oh my! I was touching her. Talking to her. Smelling her. Feeling her. Fucking her.

The beautiful release as a story comes full circle. I am fully satisfied. Nothing could ruin this moment.

As I left the room and THE GIRL laying there motioneless,

Is she dead? Is she? She's not! You fucking sellout!

I drove back to my motel. A few days of bliss and satisfaction had passed. I had something to live for now.... but I was not satisfied with fucking just one girl. Who will be next?

Holy cow. I just realized something. I thought the title "Journal of a Psychotic Celebrity Penetrating Nobody" meant that the author was a nobody who penetrated celebrities. But what if, and stay with me here, what if he's the celebrity, and they're the nobodies! Get it? Because they lose their name, and then he's the one who's cool! Fuck! That is so awesome! Awesome and deep! I can't believe I caught that shit.

I wonder if he got his mom to read this fucker yet? He should! It's okay to be proud of what you've created. Though in the case of this author and his mom, that's really not true. Joey McCrackhead wrote a very poor story, and Mrs. McCrackhead raised a very poor son. Shame on you both. Deep, purple shame.

So until next time, may all your life-ruining celebrity bitches be chocked on righteous cock. Thank you, and good night.